Fourth Sunday of Easter

I sat on this lectionary for two weeks.  I am not completely sure why: life, I guess, but it was more than that.  I really wanted to do John: Jesus the gate, leading to the Father shepherd? so I thought about that for a while.  And of course Peter, always a lot of meat there, so I wondered on that one for a few more days.  Acts is very familiar from my past and the least sheepish of these passages; the growth of the church makes sense for the fourth Sunday of Easter.  And so I came back to this week, tonight, having considered these three passages without picking one, and in this particular time of this particular day in this particular season I find that all I want to write is Psalm 23.

By coincidence this Psalm came up recently in a discussion with my senior pastor; he mentioned that, at funerals, he uniquely uses the KJV for this passage, because so many people have committed it to memory.  Even non-Christians, or people who have been away from the church for decades, have memorized (or nearly so) this passage.  I also memorized it - eternal thanks to Brenda K of PG Baptist for her faithfulness to Bible Drill me over so many Sunday evenings, for which I owe her a huge debt - and it is interesting to consider how the NRSVue is similar and different.  But... for once, I am not going to do that.

This is how you know I am in a fraught state: I am disclaiming my intellectualism, I am leaving aside my rationality, and I am embracing poetry.  Poetry!  I even spun out one of my own the other day, and I've written several very literary letters that I am never going to send, and my head has just been spinning with the state of things and some unsettling changes that I am expecting over the next few months.  Truly it is a strange time, when this stoic engineer is overcome with emotion.  Let us see how it goes, together.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

Every day I go to work; I drive my car, I do my thing, I come home.  I see people or I don't.  I collaborate or I contribute individually.  My pantry has food; my car has energy; my children are sated; my ceiling is dry.  And when those things are not - well, it happens, and in the end we had what we needed, and even if we had not then God has been sufficient.  Still I want, so many of my prayers are crying out to God for things I want - and hopefully, things God wants, too.  In this season I have certainly felt like the persistent widow, and I hope and pray that my wanting cries are aligned with the will of Christ.  Yet: I shall not want.  I shall not.  The Lord is my shepherd.  I shall never want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

I sleep so restlessly, many days.  I am troubled by so many things, internal and external.  I wake early, full of thoughts.  The world is messy, people are messy, I am messy.  There is so much to do, and so much that I have done poorly. "Lie down," says the Lord.  But I have much to do, and it is good, and it is for you. "Lie down."

He leads me beside still waters;

The world is rushing; I am rushing.  Life is short, time is short, attention is short.  Attend to all these things!  Drink, eat, be filled; drive fast, and make waves.  Frighten the powers of this world.  Stand and be counted.  Shake the gates of Hell!  But for God, as for Christ, the waters are still.  Peace; be still.

He restores my soul.

My soul has been troubled; my soul has been frightened, and nervous, and full of distrust at things out of my control.  My soul has been broken and torn, left bleeding and for dead.  Only God can unbreak me; only God can restore.  Restore me, God, or rather: make my soul what I have never been.

He leads me in right paths for his name's sake.

I want nothing more than to honor my Father.  I wonder how well I do; I pray that I know the right paths, I beg to know, and that I am kept to them.  I want to honor God and so often my actions do not reflect him; too often I look like a white Christian man and not a Christian who has some other characteristics.  For your name's sake, God, lead me in right paths.  Do not let me stray or stumble.  Lead us.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley,

I fear blindness.  I am more than halfway there, and it could come on me quickly.  I do not fear dark, but I fear that dark, and I do not want to be there.  Lord, may I never have to walk through that darkness!  And what other darkness has already crept over my sight, though I think I am seeing.  Even though, Lord; if I must walk I will walk.

I fear no evil, for you are with me;

There is so much evil in this world.  Evil done by others; evil done by us; evil done by me.  I want, Lord, to fear not, but I do.  I fear.  Be with me, Lord.  Teach me fearlessness.  Teach me to be fierce.  Teach me to be faithful.

Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Hold me close, Lord.  I wander; my mind wanders; my heart wanders.  I get mixed up, confused, hopeless.  I don't see you and I don't feel you.  Touch me, God; hold my hand, grab my ankle, nudge me toward you when I look away.  I am lost without you; in the darkness I cannot find the path, I am desperate, I forget, I cling to nothing.  Now, Lord God, do not look away from your servants; pull us to you.

You prepare a table before me

Lord, I ought to be preparing a table for you.  I am your servant; you give me hope and a future, despite my mean estate, and I have no better aim than to do your bidding.  You bring life, alone, and all I have is yours.  And yet you prepare this table before me, full of goodness and mercy.  Teach me your generosity.

in the presence of my enemies;

Let me enjoy your goodness with those who most despise me, those who most despise you.  Let us sup together on your mercy, my enemies and me, who you created with such love and care.  Let us be filled with your presence and be overcome by your peace, despite our animosity in this life.  None is beyond your mercy.  Remind me, Lord.

you anoint my head with oil;

I burn so hot.  Passion enlivens my soul; truth exudes fire.  Cool me, Lord; temper me with your presence.  Let me live in your patience and in your timing.  Dampen my head with peace, my mind with placidity, my hope with calm.  Let my very being be imbued with you, and let my humanity be consoled by your tender care.

my cup overflows.

You have brought us the most magnificent of wines; you have given us your spirit and put us together.  The joy of your vintage warms us, enchants us; let us be united in faith and service.  May we be filled, together, at your table; may we work, together, in your vineyard.  There is enough for both of us, in this cup; thank you.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

I forget them, but they are near.  Goodness is my constant companion; mercy my faithful friend.  I do not deserve them, but they chase me; you chase me.  I wander and you bring me back; you give me good in your mercy.  Have mercy on me, Lord, and goodness, that I may reflect them to your creation.

all the days of my life,

How many days I have wasted! and only you know how many are yet to come.  May it be many, Lord, that we may praise your name in this life, and may it be few, that we might praise you in your presence.  Let us enjoy your bounty for longer than we might dare hope.  Have mercy on us, Lord, and goodness, that we may return them to your creation.

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

I was glad when they said to me, let us go.  Go up with rejoicing, daughters of Jerusalem.  Praise the Lord!  How blessed is that footstool of your throne, that place of your presence; lead us into joyful celebration.  Reveal your glory to us, and light us up with you.

my whole life long.

I am so easily distracted.  Bring me back to worship.  Hold me tight, bind me in love, teach us to pray.  Let us join, always and forever, in that unending hymn: holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might; heaven and Earth are full of your glory.  Hosanna in the highest.  Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.  Hosanna in the highest.